> Zaphod Beeblebrox Presents: > > _ _ _ _ __ > ' ) ) ) _/_ ' ) ) _/_ / o > / / / ________ / __ , /--'_ , / /_ ______ , _ > / ' (_(_) / / <_<__/ (_/_ / (_/_<__/ /_(_) / <_ /_)_ > / / > ' ' > __ > / ) _/_ > / / . . _ _ / > (_\/ (_/_ ` > > > /) _/_ / > // __,_ / /_ _ > //__(_) (_ <__/ /_ /> > > _ , _ () , _ > ' ) / // /`-'| // > /--/ __|/ __ , / / __ __. o // > / (_(_) \_/ (_/_ /__-<_/ (_(_/|_<_ / > ' > > First, a little note from me, Zaphod, the typist. This is a > complete, to the best of my ability, transcript of "Quest for > the Holy Grail". It runs about 91867 bytes long, and took me > about 9.64 hours to type in from an audio cassette recording. > > The scene divisions are mine - hence my "Scene 13" corresponds > to Python's "Scene 24", as I had no way of figuring out where > the original scene divisions were. Hence the names of the > scenes have more to do with the important lines or quotes > contained therein, hopefully making your favourites easier to > locate. > > I've also tried to give info on some of the actions and visual > cues that the actors were using while doing their parts in the > film. If you decide to do a production of any of the scenes > from the film using this script, I hope these will be of some > help to you. > > Naturally there's no substitute for the real thing, and if you > are serious enough about it to actually try performing one of > the sketches, I'd advise you to consult the actual movie on > videotape and to use this script to save you the trouble of > typing out the scenes of interest. > > First, credit where credits are due. This whole script is the > copyright of whoever owns the copyright on Monty Python films, > and I'll state flatly, is reproduced here without any form of > prior written consent, but I ought to at least say "Thanx" to > Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Gilliam, and the rest of the gang for > coming out with some of the best comedy ever to hit the silver > screen. > > It's now 4:00 in the morning of April 29, 1989, and there is a > small army of llamas braying madly outside my window. Not to > mention the fact that my eyes are going to start saying "NI!" > to me if I don't get these infernal credits over with, save > the files, and get myself into bed before I get sacked. > > Thanks also to a certain T.R. of Toronto, Ontario, without > whose help many of the rough spots in the script, most notably > the "Knights of The Round Table" song, would still be in sorry > shape. As it stands, that song, and a dozen other difficult > passages, are now correct. > > The final updates were finished on June 15, 1989, and the file > was uploaded simultaneously in the Hamilton and Toronto areas > that evening. > > Of course, seeing as how the script IS copyrighted, and these > are the closest thing to opening credits you'll find here, I'm > very likely about to be sacked... UUUNNNNGH! > > The Holders of the Copyrights on this script would like to > announce that Mr. Beeblebrox has just been sacked... AARRRGH! > > Douglas Adams would like to announce that those responsible > for sacking one of his literary creations have themselves been > sacked.... PHHHNNNNRRRGGH! > > The directors of the firm hired to continue the credits after > the other people had just been sacked wish it to be known that > they themselves have been sacked. > > The credits have been completed in an entirely different style > at great expense and at the last minute by a team of forty or > fifty well-trained llamas. > > Goodnight, Good Knights, and let the show begin! > > > > > _____________________________ > / \ > | SCENE 1: ENGLAND, 932 A.D. | > \_____________________________/ > > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > Characters: > > Arthur: As in King Arthur. > Patsy: Arthur's servant. (i.e. horse sound effect machine) > Guards: Two of 'em, as in 1 and 2. > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > > > [Arthur and Servant come hopping across the countryside with the coconuts > making the sound effect of horses' hooves.] > > > Arthur: WHOA THERE! > > > [More clopping up to the castle.] > > > Guard 1: HALT! Who goes there? > > Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon from the castle of Camelot, > King of the Britons, Defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of All > England! > > Guard 1: Who is the other one? > > Patsy: I am! > > Arthur: And this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and > breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court > at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master! > > Guard 1: What? Isn't that a horse? > > Arthur: Yes. > > Guard 1: You're using coconuts! > > Arthur: What? > > Guard 1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em > together! > > Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, from > the Kindom of Mercia... > > Guard 1: (interrupting) Where'd you get the coconuts? > > Arthur: We found them! > > Guard 1: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical! > > Arthur: What do you mean? > > Guard 1: Well, this is a temperate zone! > > Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the housemartin or the > plumber may seek warmer climes in the winter, yet these are not > strangers to our land! > > Guard 1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?! > > Arthur: Not at all! They could be carried. > > Guard 1: What?! A swallow, carryin' a coconut?! > > Arthur: It could grip it by the husk! > > Guard 1: It's not a question of where he grips it, it's a simple question of > weight ratios! A five-ounce bird could not carry a one-pound > coconut! > > Arthur: Well it doesn't matter! Will you go and tell your master that Arthur > from the court of Camelot is here. > > Guard 1: Listen, in order to maintain airspeed velocity, a swallow needs to > beat its wings 43 times every second, right? > > Arthur: PLEASE! > > Guard 1: Am I right? > > Arthur: I'm not interested! > > Guard 2: It could be carried by an African swallow... > > Guard 1: Oh yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow, > that's my point. > > Guard 2: Oh yeah, I agree with that... > > Arthur: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot? > > Guard 2: ...but then of course, African swallows are non-migratory... > > Guard 1: Aah yeah... > > > [Arthur leaves with his servant, clip-clopping his way into the distance.] > > > Guard 1: ...so they couldn't bring their coconut back anyway... > > Guard 2: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together? > > Guard 1: No, they'd have to have it on a line... > > Guard 2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper! > > Guard 1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers? > > Guard 2: Well why not??? > > > > _______________________________ > / \ > | SCENE 2: BRING OUT YER DEAD! | > \_______________________________/ > > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > Characters: > > WM: Wheelbarrow Man. As in "Bring out yer dead!" > Client: One of the people bringing out his dead. > Dead: Well, he's not dead yet anyways... > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > > > [Background FX: Many old, wearied voices groaning as though mourning, all > throughout this scene.] > > > WM: Bring out yer dead! > > > [about 12 times as various dead people are loaded onto the wheelbarrow, > clanging his triangle as a bell every once in a while.] > > > Client: Here's one... > > WM: Ninepence... > > Dead: I'm not dead! > > WM: (quickly) What? > > Client: (even more quickly) Nothing, here's yer ninepence... > > Dead: I'm not dead! > > WM: Hey, he says he's not dead! > > Client: Yes he is > > Dead: I'm not! > > WM: He isn't? > > Client: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill... > > Dead: I'm getting better! > > Client: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment. > > WM: Well, I can't take him like that! It's against regulations! > > Dead: I don't want to go on the cart... > > Client: Oh, don't be such a baby! > > WM: I can't take him. > > Dead: I feel fine! > > Client: Well do us a favour... > > WM: I can't! > > Client: Well can you wait around a couple of minutes, he won't be long. > > WM: Aaw, I've gotta go on to Robinsons', they've lost nine today... > > Client: Well when's your next round? > > WM: Thursday. > > Dead: I think I'll go for a walk... > > Client: You're not foolin' anyone, you know... > [to WM] Look... Isn't there something you can do? > > Dead: I feel happy! I feel happy! > > > [At this moment, WM clubs Mr. Dead over the head...] > > > Dead: UNGH! [collapses] > > Client: Ah, thanks very much.... > > WM: Not at all... > > Client: See ya on Thursday... > > WM: Right! > > Client: Right! > > > [Arthur rides past, his servant still clip-clopping his way along with the > coconuts...] > > > Peasant 1: Who's that there? > > Peasant 2: I don't know... must be a king... > > Peasant 1: Why? > > Peasant 2: He hasn't got shit all over him. > > > > > ____________________________________________ > / \ > | SCENE 3: JUST BECAUSE SOME WATERY TART... | > \____________________________________________/ > > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > Characters: > > Peasants: As in 1 and 2, for the first bit. > Arthur: Still King of the Britons, but having trouble convincing... > Dennis: ...the political thinker... > Woman: ...and the woman who's working in the fields with him at the time. > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > > > [We play the usual fanfare music we all know and love...] > > > Arthur: Old woman! > > Dennis: Man! > > Arthur: Man, sorry... What knight lives in that castle over there? > > Dennis: I'm 37! > > Arthur: What? > > Dennis: I'm 37, I'm not old! > > Arthur: Well I can't just call you "Man"... > > Dennis: You could say "Dennis"... > > Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis. > > Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out, did you? > > Arthur: I did say sorry about the old woman, but from behind you looked... > > Dennis: (interrupting) What I object to is your automatically treatin' me > like an inferior! > > Arthur: Well I AM king... > > Dennis: Oh, King, eh? Oh, very nice... And how'd you get that, eh? By > exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma > which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! > If there's ever gonna be any progress in our society... > > Woman: Denny, there's some lovely filth down here! > [Noticing Arthur] Oh! How d'you do? > > Arthur: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Whose > castle is that? > > Woman: King of the who? > > Arthur: The Britons. > > Woman: Who are the Britons? > > Arthur: Well we all are... We are all Britons... And I am your king. > > Woman: I didn't know we had a king... I thought we were an autonomous > collective. > > Dennis: You're foolin' yourself. We're livin' in a dictatorship! A self- > perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes... > > Woman: (interrupting) Oh there you go, bringing class into it again... > > Dennis: That's what it's all about! If only people would... > > Arthur: Please, please, good people, I am in haste. Who lives in that > castle? > > Woman: No one lives there. > > Arthur: Then who is your lord? > > Woman: We don't have a lord. > > Arthur: What? > > Dennis: I told you. We're an anarcho-cynicalist commune. We take it in > turns to sort of act as a sort of executive officer for the week. > > Arthur: Yes. > > Dennis: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a > special bi-weekly meeting... > > Arthur: Yes I see. > > Dennis: ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs... > > Arthur: Be quiet! > > Dennis: But by a 2/3 majority in the case of more major... > > Arthur: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! > > Woman: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? > > Arthur: I am your king! > > Woman: Well I didn't vote for you! > > Arthur: You don't vote for kings. > > Woman: Well how'd you become king then? > > > [Angelic music plays...] > > > Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering silmite > held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by > divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. > > THAT is why I am your king! > > Dennis: (interrupting) Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' > swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive > power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcicial > aquatic ceremony! > > Arthur: Be quiet! > > Dennis: Oh but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because > some watery tart threw a sword at you! > > Arthur: SHUT UP! > > Dennis: Oh but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some > moistened bink lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away! > > Arthur: SHUT UP! WILL YOU SHUT UP! [Grabs Dennis] > > Dennis: Ah! Now we see the violence inherent in the system! > > Arthur: SHUT UP! > > Dennis: Oh, come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! > I'm being repressed! > > Arthur: (muttering) Bloody peasant! > > Dennis: Oh, what a giveaway! Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? > That's what I'm on about! Did you see him repressin' me? You saw > it, didn't you? > > > > > ____________________________ > / \ > | SCENE 4: NONE SHALL PASS! | > \____________________________/ > > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > Characters: > > TBK: The Black Knight. > Victim: The person he's fighting at the start of the scene. Very small part. > Arthur: King of the Britons, REALLY! > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > > > [The usual theme music plays again, until interrupted by...] > > > AAAAUGH! > > > [...and plays for a few more bars, stopping again for another...] > > > AAAAAAARRGGGHHHH! > > > [...and so on. After a while, the theme song dies off and is replaced > entirely by the sounds of two men battling in a deserted corner of the > forest...] > > > TBK and Victim: [Various sounds of combat, armor and sword clanking against > each other, etc... A particularly good groan as TBK gives > the Victim a really good kick in the nuts... And finally, > TBK gets a good hit in, sending his sword through the > Victim's head.] > > > Victim: NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! [Dies, blood spurting everywhere...] > > > [As TBK pulls out his sword, Arthur arrives (we'll omit the servant from now > on, since we know damn well he's gotta be there or we wouldn't know Arthur > was coming!] > > > Arthur: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight. > > TBK: [silence] > > Arthur: (After a few seconds) I am Arthur, King of the Britons. > > TBK: [more silence] > > Arthur: I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in > my court at Camelot. > > TBK: [still more silence] > > Arthur: You have proved yourself worthy! Will you join me? > > TBK: [and more silence on top of that] > > Arthur: You make me sad. So be it. > [motioning to servant] Come, Patsy! > > TBK: NONE SHALL PASS. > > Arthur: What? > > TBK: NONE SHALL PASS. > > Arthur: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this > bridge. > > TBK: THEN YOU SHALL DIE. > > Arthur: I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside! > > TBK: I MOVE... FOR NO MAN. > > Arthur: So be it! [draws sword] > > > [Battle-type music plays as the two start duking it out with swords, dying off > abruptly as Arthur slices off the Black Knight's arm.] > > > Arthur: Now stand aside, worthy adversary. > > TBK: 'Tis but a scratch. > > Arthur: A scratch?! Your arm's off! > > TBK: No it isn't. > > Arthur: Well what's that, then? [Indicating arm on ground] > > TBK: I've had worse. > > Arthur: You liar! > > TBK: Come on, ya pansy! > > > [More combat - Arthur hacks off the other arm.] > > > Arthur: Victory is mine! > [Kneeling and praying] We thank Thee, Lord, that in thy mercy... > > TBK: [Kicks at Arthur] HAAAAAA! [Arthur deflects the blow with his helmet] > Come on, then... Have at you! > > Arthur: You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine! > > TBK: Oh, had enough, eh? > > Arthur: Look you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left! > > TBK: Yes I have. > > Arthur: LOOK! [Indicating other arm on ground] > > TBK: It's just a flesh wound. [Gives Arthur a hoof in the ass] > > Arthur: Look, stop that! > > TBK: [Still kicking Arthur] Chicken! Chicken! > > Arthur: Look, I'll have your leg! > > TBK: [Kicks Arthur again] > > Arthur: RIGHT! [Hacks off a leg] > > TBK: Right! I'll do you for that! > > Arthur: You'll what? > > TBK: Come here! > > Arthur: What're you gonna do, bleed on me? > > TBK: I'M INVINCIBLE! > > Arthur: You're a looney... > > TBK: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! > > Arthur: Come on, then... [Hacks off the other leg. TBK falls down to the > ground, limbless and bleeding] > > TBK: Alright, we'll call it a draw... > > Arthur: Come, Patsy... [they walk away] > > TBK: Oh, oh, I see, runnin' away, eh? YOU YELLOW BASTARD! Come back here > and take what's comin' to you! I'll bite your legs off! > > > > > > ___________________________ > / \ > | SCENE 5: BURN THE WITCH! | > \___________________________/ > > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > Characters: > > Monks: Who know some Latin chants. > Vil: As in Villagers 1,2,3... > Crowd: The spectators watching the "trial". > Witch: Well, she's not a witch, but they don't know that. > Bedevere: As in Sir Bedevere, the logician in the scene... > > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > > > [We see Bedevere holding a swallow and a coconut, looking quizically at the > two items, as though on the verge of a great discovery. The Monks enter, > singing a Gregorian chant, bashing their heads with their books after each > line as they go through "Dona eis Requiem"... > > As they proceed through the village, we are drawn to the sounds of many > people crying "A Witch! Witch! Burn the witch!", and so on...] > > > Vil 1: We have found a witch, may we burn her? > > Crowd: [Burn the witch, etc...] > > Bedevere: How do you know she is a witch? > > Vil 1: She looks like one! > > Crowd: [General shouts of approval] > > Bedevere: Bring her forward... [Crowd quiets down] > > > [A young woman is pushed through the crowd of villagers to the platform. She > is dressed all in black, has a carrot tied around her face on top of her nose, > and a black paper hat on her head. She talks funny because her nose is > closed by the carrot.] > > > Witch: I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch! > > Bedevere: But you are dressed as one. > > Witch: THEY dressed me up like this... > > Crowd: [general cries of denial] > > Witch: ...and this isn't my nose, it's a false one! [Bedevere removes nose] > > Bedevere: (after a few seconds' pause) Well? > > Vil 1: Well we did do the nose. > > Bedevere: The nose? > > Vil 1: And the hat... > > Vil 2: But she's a witch! > > Crowd: Yeah! Can we burn her? [More shouting for a few moments] > > Bedevere: Did you dress her up like this? > > Vil 1: NO! > > Vil 2: No. > > Vil 3: No... > > Vil 1: Yes... > > Vil 2: Yes. > > Vil 3: A bit... > > Vil 1: She has got a wart! > > Bedevere: What makes you think she's a witch? > > Vil 2: Well, she turned me into a newt! > > Bedevere: A newt? > > Vil 2: I got better... > > Vil 3: Burn her anyway! > > Crowd: [Burn her! More shouting of approval] > > Bedevere: Quiet... Quiet... Quiet! Quiet! > > There are ways of telling whether she is a witch... > > Vil 1: Are there? Well then tell us! > > Bedevere: Well then, tell me... What do you do with witches? > > Crowd: BUUUUURN THEM! BURN THEM UP! > > Bedevere: And what do you burn apart from witches? > > Vil 1: WARWITCHES! [Gets elbowed by Vil 2] > > Vil 3: Wood! > > Bedevere: So... why do witches burn? > > Vil 2: (After several seconds of puzzling) Be... > (After several more seconds) ...because they're made of wood? > > Bedevere: Goooood... > > Crowd: [A few voices murmur approval and fascination] > > Bedevere: So how do we tell if she is made of wood? > > Vil 1: Build a bridge out of her! > > Bedevere: Aah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone? > > Vil 1: Oh yeah... > > Bedevere: Does wood sink in water? > > Vil 2: No... No! It floats! > > Vil 1: Throw 'er into the pond! > > Crowd: [Screams of triumph and approval] > > Bedevere: What also floats in water? > > Vil 1: Bread! > > Vil 3: Apples! > > Vil 2: Uh, very small rocks! > > Vil 1: Cider! > > Vil 3: Great Gravy! > > Vil 2: Cherries! > > Vil 1: Mud! > > Vil 2: Churches! Churches! > > Vil 1: Lead! Lead! > > Arthur: A duck! > > Crowd: [Ooohs and aaahs of amazement at the revelation they've just heard] > > Bedevere: Exactly! > > Vil 1: (Having trouble figuring it out) So... Logically... If she... weighs > the same as a duck... she's made of wood! > > Bedevere: And therefore... > > Vil 3: ...A WITCH! > > Crowd: [BURN THE WITCH! More general screaming of approval] > > Bedevere: [Taking a duck from one of the villagers] We shall use my largest > scales... > > Crowd: [Screams approval as they move to the scales] > > Bedevere: [With the duck on one end of the scales and the "witch" on the > other side] > > Right! > > > [A villager grabs an axe and cuts the rope, releasing the scales. They level > out, indicating that the "witch" does, in fact, weigh the same as a duck.] > > > Witch: It's a fair cop... > > Crowd: A WITCH! A WITCH! BURN HER! [etc...] > > > [Arthur approaches Bedevere as they take the woman away...] > > > Bedevere: Who are you, that you are so wise in the ways of science? > > Arthur: I am Arthur, King of the Britons. > > Bedevere: (Kneeling) My liege! > > Arthur: Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to Camelot and join us at the > Round Table? > > Bedevere: My liege, I would be honoured! > > Arthur: What is your name? > > Bedevere: Bedevere, my liege. > > > [Fanfares play for the upcoming ceremony and narrative] > > > Arthur: Then I dub you Sir Bedevere, Knight of the Round Table! > > > > > ________________________________ > / \ > | SCENE 6: THE BOOK OF THE FILM | > \________________________________/ > > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > Characters: > > Narrator: Someone's gotta read it... > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > > > [Fanfare continues as a hand flips the pages of the Book of the Film...] > > > Narrator: The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's Knights, > but other illustrious names were soon to follow. > > Sir Lancelot, the Brave. > > Sir Galahad, the Pure. > > And Sir Robin, the not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir Lancelot, who had > nearly fought the Dragon of Angor, who had nearly stood up to the > vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at > the Battle of Badon Hill. > > And the aptly named... Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film. > > Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold > throughout the centuries... the Knights of the Round Table. > > > > _______________________________ > / \ > | SCENE 7: IT IS A SILLY PLACE | > \_______________________________/ > > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > Characters: > > Narrator: For the opening of the scene. > Arthur: Accompanied by... > The Knights of the Round Table: A whole batch of 'em at Camelot. > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > > > Bedevere: ...And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be bannana- > shaped... > > Arthur: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's > bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes... > > Bedevere: Oh, certainly, sir. > > Lancelot: Look, my liege! > > > [Fanfare plays as we see Camelot for the first time.] > > > Launcelot: Camelot! > > Robin: Camelot! > > Galahad: Camelot! > > Patsy: (whispered) It's only a model. > > Galahad: Shh! > > Arthur: Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride...to > CAMELOT! > > > [Music starts - general rowdiness, table-dancing, chicken-throwing, etc., as > the following song is sung and tap-danced to...] > > > We're knights of the round table, we dance when we're able. > We do routines, and border scenes, with footwork imp-e-cable; > We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and spamalot! > > We're knights of the round table, our shows are for-mid-able > Though many times, we're given rhymes, that are quite un-sing-able > We're not so bad in Camelot, we sing from the Dia-phragm alot! > > Though we're tough and able, quite in-de-fa-ti-gable, > Between our quests, we seek incest and impersonate Clark Gable, > Its a busy life in Camelot: > > [Deep voice, slowly] I have to push the pram-a-lot! > > > Arthur: On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place. > > Party: Alright... > > [All ride off] > > > > > ____________________________________ > / \ > | SCENE 8: A BLESSING FROM THE LORD | > \____________________________________/ > > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > Characters: > > Narrator: For the opening of the scene. > Arthur: Accompanied by... > The Knights of the Round Table: All of 'em. > God: Gee, I wonder who that is... > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > > > [The party is riding along when the sky is split by a massive thunderclap. > Everyone looks up to see a face in the clouds...] > > > God: Arthur... Arthur! King of the Britons! > > [Arthur kneels in reverence] > > Oh, don't grovel! If there's one thing I can't stand it's people > grovelling! > > Arthur: (stands up) Sorry... > > God: ...And don't apologize! Every time I try to talk to someone it's "sorry > this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy..." > > What're you doing now? > > Arthur: Averting my eyes, O Lord... > > God: Well DON'T! It's like those miserable psalms, they're so depressing! > Now knock it off! > > Arthur: Yes, Lord! > > God: Right. Arthur... King of the Britons... Your Knights of the Round Table > shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times... > > Arthur: Good idea, O Lord! > > God: 'COURSE IT'S A GOOD IDEA! > > Behold, Arthur. This is the Holy Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is > your sacred task to seek this grail. That is your purpose, Arthur... > > The Quest for the Holy Grail! > > Lancelot: A blessing... A blessing from the Lord. > > Galahad: God be praised! > > > > > _____________________________________________ > / \ > | SCENE 9: I FART IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION! | > \_____________________________________________/ > > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > Characters: > > Arthur and the Knights, with their... > Servants: And two servants as targets for... > Guard: This time a French Guard. With an "outrageous accent"... > Guard 2: The first one has to have someone to talk to. > Cow: Take my word for it, you'll need a cow. > Rabbit: Oh yeah, and a Trojan Rabbit. > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > > > [A few moments of musical interlude, followed by the "usual" theme for the > party riding. The party enters, with all their servants equipped with > coconuts for horse effects... They ride up to a large castle and stop.] > > > Arthur: HALT! [All party members stop] > > Arthur: Hello... [Patsy blows horn] > > Arthur: (louder) Helloooooo..... > > Guard: 'Allo... 'Oo is it? > > Arthur: It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. > Whose castle is this? > > Guard: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Lombarde! > > Arthur: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a > sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he > can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail. > > Guard: Well, I'll ask 'im but I don't think 'e'll be very keen... Uh, 'e's > already got one, you see? > > Arthur: What??? > > Lancelot: He says they've already got one! > > Arthur: Are you sure he's got one? > > Guard: Oh yes, it's ver' naaiice... > > [to other guards behind rampart] I told 'em we've already got one! > > [other guards snicker] > > Arthur: Well, um... Can we come up and have a look? > > Guard: Of course not! You are English types! > > Arthur: Well what are you, then? > > Guard: Ah'm French! Why do you think I have this outrrrraaaageous accent, > you silly king? > > Lancelot: What are you doing in England? > > Guard: Mind your own business! > > Arthur: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by > force! > > Guard: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, > sons of a silly person! Ah blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur > king! You and all your silly English k-nnnnnn-ighuts! > > [Pttttht! Bangs head on helmet, makes faces, and sticks out his > tongue at the party] > > > Lancelot: What a strange person! > > Arthur: Now look here, my good man... > > Guard: Ah don't wanna talk to you anymore, you empty-headed animal food- > trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a > hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries! > > Galahad: Is there someone else up there we could talk to? > > Guard: NO! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time! > > Arthur: Now this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable... > > Guard: (To other guard) Fetchez-moi la vache... > > Guard 2: What? > > Guard: Fetchez la vache! > > Arthur: ...if you do not agree to my commands, I shall... > > > [SPROING! A cow comes flying from a catapult over the ramparts towards the > party...] > > > Servant: AAAAAAAAAH! [SPLAT! Cow lands on him] > > Arthur: RIGHT. CHAAAAARGGE! > > Party: CHAAARGE! > > > [The party charges the castle amidst a barrage of catapult-propelled livestock > and vegetables] > > > Guard: 'Ey, this one is for your mother... [throws a duck off the rampart] > > Party: Run away! Run away! Run away! > > Lancelot: (Now at a safe distance) ...the fiends, I'll tear them apart! > > Bedevere: Sir... I have a plan... > > > [That night, the air is filled with the sounds of saws and hammers working > away at wood to construct a gigantic rabbit, which is then rolled up to the > front doors of the castle and left until morning... > > The doors open, and a couple of confused French guards speak of "un cadeau!" > and roll the giant wooden rabbit into the castle. We rejoin the party who > are now hiding behind a grassy knoll.] > > > Arthur: What happens now? > > Bedevere: Well, now, Lancelot, Galahad and I wait until nightfall, and then > leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise. Not only by > surprise, but totally unarmed! > > Arthur: Who leaps out? > > Bedevere: Uh, Lancelot, Galahad, and I... (pauses, feeling uneasy) > ...leap out of the rabbit... and... (Finally realizes why) > er... uh... oh... (Comes up with another plan) > Look, uh, if we built this large wooden badger... > > > [SPROING! The Trojan Rabbit comes flying over the ramparts just like the cow > did the other day...] > > > Party: Run away! Run away! Run away! > > Servant: [Another servant is squashed by the French catapult equipment...] > > > > > ________________________________ > / \ > | SCENE 10: THE HISTORIAN SCENE | > \________________________________/ > > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > Characters: > > Director: Of a historical documentary > Frank: Narrator of a historical documentary. i.e. a historian. > Wife: His wife. Soon to be his widow. > Rider: A Knight of the Round Table, galloping by on a horse (a real one). > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > > > Director: ...Take eight... Action! > > Frank: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur. > The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise, > and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy had to be tried if the > Quest for the Holy Grail were to come to a successful conclusion. > > Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should > separate and search for the Grail individually. So this is what they > did. > > Rider: OHO!!! [Neatly kills the historian] > > Wife: (in terror) FRANK! > > > > > __________________________________ > / \ > | SCENE 11: THE TALE OF SIR ROBIN | > \__________________________________/ > > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > Characters: > > Narrator: A new one now... > Robin: As in "Brave Sir Robin" > Minstrels: One singer, and a couple of musicians... > Dennis: The political one from several scenes back... > Woman: ...and his friend... > 3-Heads: The 3-headed man. > > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > > > Narrator: So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode > north, through the Forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favourite > minstrels... > > Singer: Bravely, bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot, > He was not afraid to die - Oh, brave Sir Robin! > He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, > Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin... > > He was not in the least upset to be mashed into a pulp, > Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken, > To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, > And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin... > > His head smashed in and his heart cut out, > And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged, > And his nostrils raped and his bottom burnt off, > And his peni -- > > Robin: (interrupting) Lads... Lads, that's enough music for now, lads... > Looks like there's dirty work afoot... > > > [In background, Robin overhears Dennis and the Woman still arguing politics] > > Dennis: ...Anarcho-cycnicalism is a way of preserving freedom... > > Woman: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom, how about that mud... > > > > 3-Heads: HALT! Who are you? > > Minstrels: He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin... > > Robin: SHUT UP! > [to 3-Heads] Umm, nobody really, I'm just... just passing through... > > 3-Heads: What do you want? > > Minstrels: To Fiiiight, and... > > Robin: SHUT UP! > [to 3-Heads] Umm, oh, nothing really, just to umm... umm... pass > through, good Sir Knight... > > 3-Heads: I'm afraid not... > > Robin: Well, uh, actually, I am a Knight of the Round Table... > > 3-Heads: You're a Knight of the Round Table?! > > Robin: I am. > > Head 1: In that case I shall have to kill you. > > Head 2: Shall I? > > Head 3: Oh, I don't think so. > > Head 2: What do I think? > > Head 1: I think kill him. > > Head 3: Oh, let's be nice to him... > > Head 1: Oh, Shut up. > > Head 2: What? > > Head 3: And you! > > Head 1: Quick! Get the sword out, I want to cut his head off! > > Head 3: Oh, cut your own head off! > > Head 2: Yeah, do us all a favour! > > Head 1: What? > > Head 3: Yapping on all the time... > > Head 2: You're lucky, you're not next to him! > > Head 3: What do you mean? > > Head 2: (to Head 1) You snore! > > Head 1: Oh, I don't! Anyway, you've got bad breath! > > Head 2: Well it's only 'cause you don't brush my teeth! > > Head 3: Oh, stop bitching and let's go and have tea! > > Head 1: All right, all right! We'll kill him first, and then have tea and > biscuits... > > Head 2: Yes! > > Head 3: Oh, not biscuits... > > Head 1: All right, not biscuits, but let's kill him anyway! > > Heads 2 and 3: (Together) Right! > > Head 1: [looking around for Sir Robin] He's buggered off! > > Head 2: So he has... > > > [We now return to Sir Robin, who's having some trouble with his Minstrels...] > > > Minstrels: Robin: > > Brave Sir Robin ran away. No! > Bravely ran away away.... I didnt! > When danger reared its ugly head, > He bravely turned his tail and fled No!! > Yes brave Sir Robin turned about I didnt! > And gallantly he chickened out.. > Bravely taking to his feet > He beat a very brave retreat... > > Bravely bravely bravely bravely I never did! > Bravely bravely bravely bravely All lies! > Bravely bravely brave Sir Robin! I never! > > > [Minstrels continue singing as they move off into the distance...] > > > > > ____________________________________ > / \ > | SCENE 12: THE TALE OF SIR GALAHAD | > \____________________________________/ > > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > Characters: > > Galahad: The Chaste, who is still chaste at the end of this scene thanks to: > Lancelot: ...who rescues him from near-certain temptation. > Zoot: Wicked, bad, naughty, bad, evil Zoot... > Nurses: Two nurses for the start of the scene and then midway through. > Inge: Zoot's twin sister, for the end of the scene. > All: Referring to the other 156 ladies of Castle Anthrax... > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > > > > [Thunder crashes as Sir Galahad crawls, covered in mud, up to a castle, > overtop of which he sees a vision of the Holy Grail] > > > Galahad: Open the door! Open the door! In the name of King Arthur, open the > door! [pounds door] > > > [The door opens, Galahad falls to the floor, and is taken inside.] > > > Zoot: Welcome, gentle sir knight... Welcome to the Castle Anthrax! > > Galahad: The Castle Anthrax? > > Zoot: Yes... It's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice... And > we will attend to your every, every need... > > Galahad: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail? > > Zoot: The what? > > Galahad: The Grail! It is here... > > Zoot: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest a while... > > Nurses: Yes, Zoot? > > Zoot: Prepare a bed for our guest... > > Nurses: Thank you... Thank you... Thank you... > > Zoot: Away, away... The beds here are warm and soft, and very, very big... > > Galahad: Well, I, uh... I, uh... > > Zoot: What is your name, handsome knight? > > Galahad: Sir Galahad... the Chaste... > > Zoot: Mine is Zoot. Just... Zoot. Oh, but come... [takes him away] > > Galahad: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail! > > Zoot: Oh, you have suffered much... you are delerious... > > Galahad: Look, I have seen it, it is here... > > Zoot: Galahad, you would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality... > > Galahad: Well, I, I, uh... > > Zoot: Oh, I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to > yours... We are but eightscore young blondes and brunettes, all between > the ages of 16 and 19 1/2, cut off in this castle with no one to > protect us. > > Oh, it is a lonely life, bathing, dressing, undressing, knitting > exciting underwear... we are just not used to handsome knights... > > [Galahad moves to escape] > > Nay, nay... Come, come, you may lie here... > > [Noticing a wound on his leg] > > Oh, but you are wounded! > > Galahad: (embarassed) No, no, it's nothing... > > Zoot: But you must see the doctors immediately! > [Galahad tries to get up] No, no... Lie down... > [claps hands twice to summon "doctors"] > > Nurse 1: Ah, what seems to be the trouble? > > Galahad: They're doctors?! > > Zoot: Uh, they... have a basic medical training... > > Zoot: [Galahad moves again to escape] Oh, come, come... you must try to > rest... > > Doctor Piglet, Doctor Winston, practice your art... > > > [Galahad gets rather nervous as they remove his armor...] > > > Nurse 1: Try to relax... > > Galahad: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary? > > Nurse 1: We must... examine you... > > Galahad: There's nothing wrong with that! > > Nurse 1: Please... we are doctors... > > Galahad: Ack! This cannot be! I am sworn to chastity! > > Nurse 1: Back to your bed at once! > > Galahad: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail! > > Nurse 2: (Trying to remove Galahad's pants) No Grail here... > > Galahad: I have seen it! I have seen it! [Rushes into the next room, which > is filled with more females...] > > > All: [General oohs and aahs - they're impressed...] > > Galahad: (Surprised) Oh... > > All: [They mill about him saying "Hello" in rather seductive voices as he > makes his way across the room] > > Galahad: Zoot! > > Inge: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Inge. > > Galahad: Oh... well, excuse me... > > Inge: Why are you going? > > Galahad: I seek the Grail! I have seen it! Here, in this castle! > > Inge: No... Oh no! Bad, bad Zoot! > > Galahad: What is it? > > Inge: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting a light to our > beacon, which, I've just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the > first time we've had this problem... > > Galahad: It's not the real Grail? > > Inge: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she's a naughty person, and > she must pay her penalty... And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one > punishment for setting light to grail-shaped beacons: > > You must tie her down on a bed, and spank her. > > All: A spanking! A spanking! > > Inge: You must spank her well, and after you are done with her, you may deal > with her as you like... > > And then... > > ...spank me! > > All: And me! And me too! And me! > > Inge: Yes! Yes, you must give us all a good spanking! > > All: [General shouts of glee and anticipation] > > Inge: And after the spanking, the oral sex! > > All: [More shouts of glee and anticipation] > > Galahad: Well I could stay a bit longer... > > > [At this moment, the door bursts open and Sir Lancelot enters.] > > > Lancelot: Sir Galahad! > > Galahad: Oh, hello! > > Lancelot: Quick! > > Galahad: What? > > Lancelot: Quick! > > Galahad: Why? > > Lancelot: You are in great peril! > > Inge: No he isn't! > > Lancelot: Silence, foul temptress! > > Galahad: Look, it's not important... > > Lancelot: Come on, we will cover your escape! > > Galahad: No, I'm fine! > [As they start to leave] Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed! > > All: Yes, let him tackle us single-handed! > > Lancelot: Don't even think of it! > > Galahad: No, really! Honestly, I can cope! I can handle this with ease... > > All: Oh, yes, let him handle us... > > Galahad: Please, please, I can defeat them! There's only 150 of them! > > All: Yes, you can defeat us easily!!! We haven't a chance! > > > [Galahad is dragged, screaming, out of the room by Lancelot...] > > > All: Oh, oh... oh... Oh, shit. > > > [Meanwhile, outside the room] > > > Lancelot: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril! > > Galahad: I don't think I was! > > Lancelot: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril! > > Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril... > > Lancelot: No, it's too perilous. > > Galahad: Look, I't's my duty as a knight to find as much peril as I can! > > Lancelot: No, we've gotta find the Holy Grail, come on... > > Galahad: Well let me have just a little bit of peril? > > Lancelot: No, it's unhealthy... > > Galahad: I'll bet you're gay! > > Lancelot: No I'm not... > > > [They continue arguing as they leave the castle behind...] > > -- > Stewart, Sirtis and el Fadil: Bri-i-i-its I-i-i-in Space! > -- > Adrian! |-=O=-| > ___________________ > / \ > | SCENE 13: A CLUE | > \___________________/ > > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > Characters: > > Narrator: To narrate... > Arthur: King of the Britons, eh? > Old Man: Someone who holds the clue mentioned in the scene title... > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > > > Narrator: ...Sir Lancelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain > temptation, but they were still no nearer the Holy Grail. > > Meanwhile, not more than a swallow's flight away, Arthur and Sir > Bedevere, had discovered something. > > Oh, that's an unladen swallow's, quite obviously. I mean they were > more than two laden swallow's flights away. Four, really, if they > had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were > walking, and dragging... > > Movie Audience: GET ON WITH IT! > > Narrator: Oh, anyway, on to scene 24, which is a smashing scene, with some > lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue. And in > which there aren't any swallows, but I think there may be a > starling or two, and UUNGH! > > [Sacked by audience] > > Old Man: [Cackles madly] > > Arthur: ...and this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Grail? > > Old Man: [More cackling] > > Arthur: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live? > > Old Man: He knows of a cave... A cave which no man has entered... > > Arthur: And the Grail... The Grail is there? > > Old Man: There is much danger... For beyond the cave lies the Gorge of > Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed... > > Arthur: But the Grail... Where is the Grail? > > Old Man: Seek ye the Bridge of Death... > > Arthur: The Bridge of Death which leads to the Grail? > > Old Man: [cackles madly and vanishes into thin air...] > > > > > _______________________________________ > / \ > | SCENE 14: THE KNIGHTS OF NI (Part I) | > \_______________________________________/ > > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > Characters: > > Arthur: Yes, we know he's King of the Britons, get on with it! > Bedevere: As in Sir Bedevere. > Knights of Ni: As in #1 (the leader) and #2 (someone who's not their leader) > All: This time it's the assembly of the Knights of Ni... > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > > > [Arthur and Bedevere have just been teleported by the old man into a forest > filled with eerie music... when they are suddenly set upon by... well, you'll > find out who they are any second now...] > > > All: NI! NI! NI! > > Arthur: Who are you? > > Knight 1: We are the Knights who say (pause for effect) NI! > > Arthur: No! Not the Knights who say Ni! > > Knight 1: The same... > > Knight 2: Who are we? > > Knight 1: We are the keepers of the sacred words... NI, PANG, and NEEE-WOMM! > > Arthur: Those who hear those words seldom live to tell the tale! > > Knight 1: The Knights who say Ni demand a sacrifice! > > Arthur: O Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter > who lives beyond these woods... > > All: NI! NI! NI! > > Arthur: Ouch! Oh! Stop! > > Knight 1: We shall say "Ni" again to you if you do not appease us... > > Arthur: What is it you want? > > Knight 1: We want... (pause for more effect) ...a SHRUBBERY! > > > [A loud ominous-sounding note should sound here...] > > > Arthur: A what? > > All: NI! NI! NI! > > Arthur: Please! Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery! > > Knight 1: You must return here with a shrubbery, or else you will never pass > through this wood... alive! > > Arthur: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a > shrubbery... > > Knight 1: One that looks nice... > > Arthur: Of course! > > Knight 1: And not too expensive... > > Arthur: Yes! > > Knight 1: Now... (pause for still more effect) GO! > > > [Fanfare plays as they ride off, after which there is a bit of Pythonimation > for variety, ushering us into...] > > > > > _____________________________________ > / \ > | SCENE 15: THE TALE OF SIR LANCELOT | > \_____________________________________/ > > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > Characters: > > Herbert: The Singing Artsie... Son of... > Egbert: The Father who wants him to get married today. > Guards: 2 Guards, with the combined brains of an eggplant, are needed. > Lancelot As in Sir Lancelot. > Concorde: His servant / horse. > Guests: 2 guests with speaking parts, and > Other Guests: Everyone else at the wedding... > > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > > > Egbert: One day, lad, all this will be yours... > > Herbert: What, the curtains? > > Egbert: No, not the curtains, lad! All that you can see, stretched out o'er > the hills and valleys of this land... That'll be your kingdom, lad. > > Herbert: But Mother... > > Egbert: Father! > > Herbert: But Father, I don't want any of that! > > Egbert: Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothin'. When I started, > here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build > a castle in the swamp, But I built it all the same, just to show 'em! > > It sank into the swamp, so I built a second one. > > That sank into the swamp, so I built a third one! That burned down, > fell over, and then sank into the swamp! > > But the fourth one stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad, > the strongest castle in these isles! > > Herbert: But I don't want any of that. I'd rather... > > Egbert: Rather what? > > Herbert: I'd rather... just... Sing! [music comes up] > > Egbert: Stop that, stop that! [music slows down and stops] You're not going > into a song while I'm here. Now listen. In twenty minutes, you're > getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of > open land in Britain. > > Herbert: But I don't want land... > > Egbert: Listen... Alex... > > Herbert: Herbert. > > Egbert: Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can > get! > > Herbert: But... But I don't like her! > > Egbert: Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, > she's got huge... tracts of land... > > Herbert: I know... But I want the girl that I marry... to have a certain... > [music comes up again] ...special sort of... > > Egbert: Cut that out! Cut that out! [Music dies off] > > You're marryin' Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea! > > Guards! Make sure the prince doesn't leave this room until I come > and get him. > > Guard 1: Not to leave the room, even if you come and get him. > > Guard 2: Hic! > > Egbert: No, no... Until I come and get him. > > Guard 1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room. > > Egbert: No, look, look... You... stay in the room, and make sure he doesn't > leave. > > Guard 1: And you'll come and get him. > > Guard 2: Hic! > > Egbert: Right. > > Guard 1: We don't need anything apart from just stop him entering the room. > > Egbert: No, look... Leaving the room. > > Guard 1: Leaving the room, yes. > > Egbert: Alright? > > Guard 1: Right. > > Egbert: Alright. > > Guard 1: Oh, if, if, if, uh... if, if, uh, if, if, if we... > > Egbert: Look. It's quite simple. You just stay here and make sure he > doesn't leave the room... Alright? > > Guard 2: Hic! > > Guard 1: Oh, I remember... Uh, can he leave the room with us? > > Egbert: Look... no, no, look... You just keep him in here, and make sure... > > Guard 1: Oh yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously! But if we have to leave, > and ... > > Egbert: (interrupting) Look, just keep him in here... > > Guard 1: ...Until you, or anyone else... > > Egbert: No, not anyone else, just me... > > Guard 1: ...Just you... > > Guard 2: Hic! > > Egbert: ...get back. > > Guard 1: Get back. > > Egbert: Right? > > Guard 1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back. > > Guard 2: Hic! > > Egbert: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave. > > Guard 1: What? > > Egbert: (pausing) Make sure he doesn't leave. > > Guard 1: The prince? > > Egbert: Yes, make sure he doesn't leave. > > Guard 1: Oh, yes, of course! I thought you meant him! [Indicating Guard 2.] > You know it seemed a bit daft for me to have to guard him when he's > a guard! > > Egbert: Is that clear? > > Guard 2: Hic! > > Guard 1: Oh, quite clear, no problems... > > Guard 1: Right. > > > [Egbert leaves, followed by his guards.] > > > Egbert: Where're you going? > > Guard 1: Hey Egbert, we're comin' with you! > > Egbert: No, no, I want you to stay here and make sure he doesn't leave! > > Guard 1: Oh, I see, right... > > Herbert: But Father... > > Egbert: Shut your mouth, you, and get that suit on! > [music comes up] ...and NO SINGING! [music dies down] > > Guard 2: Hic! > > Egbert: Oh, go and get a glass of water! > > > [After his father leaves, Herbert writes a note on a piece of paper, attaches > it to an arrow, and fires it out the window when the guards aren't looking. > > We switch to Lancelot, who is riding piggy-back on his "horse", crossing a > stream...] > > > Lancelot: Well taken, Concorde! > > Concorde: Thank you, sir! Most kind! > > Lancelot: And again! Oooover we go! Good... Steady... And now, the big one! > Come on, Concorde! > > > [Twannnnng! Concorde is hit by an arrow with a note on it.] > > > Concorde: (grimacing) Message for you, sir! [collapses] > > Lancelot: Concorde! Concorde, speak to me! > > Concorde: [silence] > > Lancelot: (reading note) To whoever finds this note: I have been imprisoned > by my father who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, > please, please, come and rescue me! I am in the tallest tower of > Swamp Castle! > > At last! A call! A cry of distress! This could be the sign that > leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave Concorde! You shall not > have died in vain! > > Concorde: Uh... I'm not quite dead, sir! > > Lancelot: Well you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain! > > Concorde: I... I... I think I... I think I could pull through, sir! > > Lancelot: Oh, I see... > > Concorde: Actually I think I'm alright to come with you, sir... > > Lancelot: No no, sweet Concorde, stay here! I will send help as soon as I've > accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... > uh... > > Concorde: Idiom, sir? > > Lancelot: Idiom! > > Concorde: No, I feel fine, actually... > > Lancelot: Farewell, sweet Concorde! > > Concorde: I'll uh... I'll just stay here then, shall I, sir? > > > [Lancelot is long gone towards Swamp Castle... > > The scene switches to the bridal chamber, where the bride is being catered to > by the bridesmaids. And boy, is she ugly... heh-heh! Meanwhile in the > castle courtyard, people are milling about, greeting each other, and the > celebrations have already begun, well in advance of the ceremony. > > Drums roll as we see Sir Lancelot, running full-tilt from the forest, > straight towards the castle... > > ...switch between these scenes several times, until finally he arrives... > > At which point he promptly slaughters the first guards at the door, smashes > his way into the courtyard, and yelling maniacally, slaughters everybody that > stands between himself and the tower. i.e. The wedding guests, including > much of the bridal party. Upon reaching the tower...] > > > Lancelot: HAAAAAAA! > > Guard 1: Now you're not allowed to interfere... AAARRRGH!!!... [is stabbed by > Lancelot.] > > Lancelot: [Kneeling before Herbert] O fair one, behold your humble servant, > Sir Lancelot of Camelot. I have come to take you... > > [noticing it's Herbert, continuing in the same breath, with...] > > ...Oh I'm terribly sorry... > > Herbert: You got my note! > > Lancelot: Uh, well, I... I got, uh... "A" note... > > Herbert: You've come to rescue me! > > Lancelot: Uh, well, no... You see... > > Herbert: I knew someone would! I knew that somewhere out there... There > must be... someone... [music comes up] > > Egbert: (rushing in) Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! [music dies > back down again] Who are you? > > Herbert: I'm your son! > > Egbert: No, not you! > > Lancelot: Uh, I am Sir Lancelot, sir. > > Herbert: He's come to rescue me, Father! > > Lancelot: Now let's not jump to conclusions... > > Egbert: Did you kill all those guards? > > Lancelot: Uh... Oh, yes... Sorry... > > Egbert: They cost fifty pounds each! > > Lancelot: Well I'm awfully sorry, I'm uh... > > Herert: Don't be afraid, Sir Lancelot! I've got a rope all ready! > > Egbert: You killed eight wedding guests in all! > > Lancelot: Well, now, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady... > > Egbert: I can understand that! > > Herbert: Hurry, Sir Lancelot! Hurry! [Crawling out the window on a rope > made from bedsheets tied together] > > Egbert: You only killed the bride's father, that's all! > > Lancelot: Well I really didn't mean to? > > Egbert: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head! > > Lancelot: Oh, dear, is he all right? > > Egbert: You even kicked the bride in the chest! It's gonna cost me a > fortune! > > Lancelot: Well I can explain... I was in the forest, um, riding north from > Camelot, when I got this note... > > Egbert: Camelot? Are you from, Camelot? > > Herbert: Hurry, Sir Lancelot! > > Lancelot: Uh, I am a knight of King Arthur, sir... > > Egbert: Very nice castle, Camelot... Very good pig country... > > Lancelot: Is it? > > Herbert: Hurry! I'm ready! > > Egbert: Would you, uh, like to come have a drink? > > Lancelot: Well, uh... That's uh... awfully nice of you... > > Herbert: I am ready! > > Lancelot: ...I mean, to be so understanding... > [Cuts rope - Herbert falls out the window] > In fact when I'm in this idiom I sometimes get a bit uh... sort of > carried away... > > Egbert: Oh, don't worry about that... > > Herbert: [Splut.] > > > [Lancelot and Egbert walk into the courtyard, filled with wounded and weeping > people...] > > > Guest 1: (in rage) THERE HE IS! > > Egbert: Oh, bloody hell... > > > [The crowd surges once more and Lancelot again begins smashing his way around > until Egbert quiets them down. The "battle" music dies down again...] > > > Lancelot: Oh, sorry... See what I mean, I just get carried away... Sorry... > Sorry... Sorry everyone... > > Guest 1: HE'S KILLED THE BEST MAN! > > Other Guests: [general moans "aaw...", turning to angry grumblings.] > > Egbert: Hold it! Hold it! Please, hold it! This is Sir Lancelot from the > court of Camelot, a very brave and influential knight, and my special > guest here today. > > Lancelot: Hello... > > Guest 1: HE KILLED MY UNCLE! > > Other Guests: [More angry grumbling.] > > Egbert: Please! Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not > bicker and argue about who killed who... We are here today to witness > the union of two young people in the joyful bond of holy wedlock. > > Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his > death. > > Other Guests: [Saddened groans.] > > Egbert: But I don't want to think I've lost a son, so much as... gained a > daughter... > > Other Guests: [Scattered applause] > > Egbert: ...for, since the tragic death of her father... > > Guest 2: He's not quite dead! > > Egbert: ...since the near-fatal wounding of her father... > > Guest 2: He's getting better! > > Egbert: ...for, since her own father, who, when he seemed about to recover, > suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him... > > [Father gasps once and dies] > > Guest 2: He's dead! > > Egbert: ...I want his only daughter to look upon me as her own Dad, in a very > real, and legally binding sense. > > Other Guests: [Back to scattered applause] > > Egbert: And I feel sure that the merger, I mean union, between the princess, > and the brave but... dangerous Sir Lancelot of Camelot... > > Lancelot: What? > > Guest 2: Look! The dead prince! > > Other Guests: [Joyful ooohs and aahs...] > > Guest 1: He's not quite dead... > > Herbert: No, I feel much better... > > Egbert: You fell out of the tall tower, you creep! > > Herbert: No, I was saved at the last minute... > > Egbert: HOW? > > Herbert: Well I'll tell you... [Different music starts up] > > Egbert: Not like that! Not like that! NO! STOP IT! Shut up! > > Other Guests: "He's going to tell! (He's going to tell)" in time to the > music, as though the movie had suddenly turned into a musical. > > Concorde: Quickly, sir! Come this way! > > Lancelot: No, it's not right for my idiom! I must escape... uh... > > Concorde: (over the rising chorus of voices) Dramatically, sir? > > Lancelot: Dramatically! Heave! [Hops on rope hanging from the wall and > swings out over the guests, but doesn't quite make it out, and thus > begins to swing back and forth over the crowd...] > > 'Scuse me, uh... Could somebody give me a push? > > > > > ________________________________________ > / \ > | SCENE 16: THE KNIGHTS OF NI (Part II) | > \________________________________________/ > > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > Characters: > > Arthur: Yes, we know he's King of the Britons, get on with it! > Bedevere: As in Sir Bedevere. > Knights of Ni: As in #1 (the leader) and #2 (someone who's not their leader) > Knights: The rest of the Knights of Ni. > Old Woman: The old crow at the start of the scene. > Roger: The Shrubber. > Robin: The Not-Quite-So-Brave-as-Sir Lancelot. > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > > > [The scene opens with the usual theme music, with Arthur and Bedevere in a > small village at the dwelling of an old woman.] > > Arthur: Old crow... is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a > shrubbery? [Another ominous note sounds] > > Old Woman: Who sent you? > > Arthur: The Knights who say Ni. > > Old Woman: No! No! We have no shrubberies here! > > Arthur: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I > will say... (pause) We will say... Ni. > > Old Woman: AAAGH! Do your worst! > > Arthur: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily... (big pause) NI! > > Old Woman: NO! Never! No shrubbery! > > Arthur: NI! > > Bedevere: NOOOO! > > Arthur: No, no, no, no, it's not that, it's Ni. > > Bedevere: Noo? > > Arthur: No, no... Ni. You're not doing it properly... > > Bedevere: N... Nnn... Ne... Ni... Ni! NI! NI! > > Arthur: That's it! That's it, you've got it... > > Arthur and Bedevere: NI! NI! NI! > > Roger: Are you saying "Ni" to that old woman? > > Arthur: Umm... Yes. > > Roger: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say "Ni", but > woe to old ladies... There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is > sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under > considerable economic stress at this period in history... > > Bedevere: Did you say shrubberies? > > Roger: Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger > the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies. > > Bedevere: NI! > > Arthur: No! No, no, no, no! [stops Bedevere] > > > [A little while later, back in the forest...] > > > Arthur: O, Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now? > > Knight 1: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly... But > there is one small problem... > > Arthur: What is that? > > Knight 1: We are now no longer the Knights who say Ni. > > Knight 2: NI! > > Other Knights: Shh... > > Knight 1: We are now the Knights who say... > > "Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG! Zoom-Boing! Z'nourrwringmm!" > > Therefore we must give you a test. > > Arthur: What is this test, O Knights of... O Knights who 'till recently said > Ni? > > Knight 1: Firstly, you must find... Another shrubbery! [The same note rings > out loudly] > > Arthur: Not another shrubbery... > > Knight 1: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here > beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two- > level effect with a little path running down the middle... > > Other Knights: Path! Path! Path! > > Knight 1: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the > mightiest tree in the forest... with... A herring! > [The now-familiar note plays once more] > > Arthur: We shall do no such thing! > > Knight 1: Oh, please... > > Arthur: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done! > > > [All Knights scream in agony] > > > Knight 1: Don't say that word! > > Arthur: What word? > > Knight 1: I cannot tell, suffice to say, is one of the words the Knights of > Ni cannot hear! > > Arthur: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is? > > > [Again the Knights scream in agony] > > > Knight 1: AAAA! He said it again! AAAAAH! I was getting very far in life > life not saying it! [Still more screams] > > > [At this point, Sir Robin comes in with his minstrels still singing...] > > > Bedevere: My liege! It's Robin! > > Minstrels: ...and taking it in and packing it up, > And sneaking away and buggering off, > And chickening out and pissing around... > > Arthur: Sir Robin! > > Robin: My liege! It's good to see you! > > Knights: AAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!! > > Arthur: I'm sure you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail... > > Minstrels: He is sneaking away and buggering off... > > Robin: Shut up! > [To Arthur] No, no, no! Far from it! > > Knight 1: AAAAGH! You said the word again! > > Robin: I was looking for it... > > Knights: AAAARGGHHH! > > Robin: ...uh, here, here in this forest... > > Arthur: No, it is far from here... > > Knights: OOOOOH! AARRGH! Stop saying the word! > > Arthur: Oh, stop it! > > Knights: AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! You said it again! AAAH! I said it! > I said it! OOOOH! I said it again! AAAH! That's three "it"s! > AAAGH! > > > [Arthur, Lancelot, and Robin, ride off, leaving the Knights of Ni in total > chaos...] > > > > > __________________________ > / \ > | SCENE 17: THE ENCHANTER | > \__________________________/ > > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > Characters: > > Narrator: For the intro. > Arthur: As usual. > Party: The rest of the Party (Galahad, Lancelot, Robin, and Bedevere) > Tim: The Enchanter. > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > > > Narrator: [This is of course done entirely to Pythonimation...] > > And so Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search > to find the Enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 24. > > Beyond the forest they met Lancelot and Galahad, and there was much > rejoicing. > > In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin's > minstrels... and there was much rejoicing. > > A year passed. > > Winter changed into spring. Spring changed into summer. Summer > changed back into winter. And winter gave spring and summer a > miss and went straight on into autumn. > > Until one day... > > > [Ah, here's our usual introductory theme, punctuated by an explosion or two > near the party.] > > Arthur: Alright, forward! > > > [Nine more explosions rock the surrounding area, culminating in the arrival > of an enchanter...] > > > Arthur: What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or > tinder? > > Tim: I... am an ehchanter... > > Arthur: By what name are you known? > > Tim: There are some who call me... Tim. > > Arthur: Greetings, Tim the Enchanter! > > Tim: Greetings, King Arthur! > > Arthur: You know my name? > > Tim: I do! [Another explosion rocks a nearby hill] You seek the Holy Grail! > > Arthur: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tim. > > Tim: Quite... [BLAM!] > > Arthur: Yes... we're... we're looking for the Holy Grail. Our quest is to > find the Holy Grail. > > Party: Yes, uh yes, that's it... Yup... > > Arthur: And so we're, we're... we're looking for it. > > Bedevere: We have been for some time! > > Party: Oh, yes... A long time... Ages... Mmm. Yes... > > Arthur: And so, uh... anything you could do... to help... would be... very... > helpful... > > Lancelot: Look. Can you tell us where... [BLAM!] > > Arthur: Fine. I don't want to waste any more of your time, but, uh... I > don't suppose you could tell us where we might find a, um... find > a... uh... > > Tim: A what? > > Arthur: A g... a g... a... a... > > Tim: A GRRRRRAIL???? > > Arthur: Yes... I think so... > > Party: Yes... yes... uh-huh... > > Tim: YES!!! > > Party: Oh... Oh, thank you. Fine. Thanks... Splendid... [BLAM!!!] > > Arthur: Look, uh, you're a busy man... > > Tim: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail... To the north their lies a > cave. The Cave of Kyre-banoch, wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the > very living rock, the last words of Olfwin Beduire of Reggits... [BLAM!] > ...make plain the last resting place of the most holy Grail... > > Arthur: Where could we find this cave? > > Tim: Follow! (pause) BUT follow only if ye be men of valour, for the > entrance of this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel, that > no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of 450 men lie strewn > about its lair, so, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your > strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty big > pointy teeth! > > Arthur: What an eccentric performance... > > > > > _____________________________________________ > / \ > | SCENE 18: THE HOLY HAND GRENADE OF ANTIOCH | > \_____________________________________________/ > > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > Characters: > > Arthur: King of the Britons, eh? > Party: The rest of the Party (Galahad, Lancelot, Robin, and Bedevere) > Boris: One of the Expendable Cast Members. We'll need more though. > Tim: The Enchanter. > Maynard: Brother Maynard, who reads from the Book of Armaments... > Assistant: And his assistant, who carries the Holy Hand Grenade. > Narrator: Someone to narrate at the end of the scene. > Cartoonist: Someone to have a fatal heart attack and say "AAWK!" > ....and one white rabbit. > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > > > [Party clops up to the mouth of the cave, about which are strewn the bones of > many men... The "horses" stop and whinny, getting "spooked"...] > > > Lancelot: They're nervous, Sire. > > Arthur: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. DISMOUNT! > > Tim: Behold the Cave of Kyre-banoch! > > Arthur: Right. Keep me covered... > > Bedevere: What with? > > Arthur: Just keep me covered. > > Tim: Too late! > > Arthur: What? > > Tim: There he is... > > Arthur: Where? > > Tim: There! > > Arthur: What, behind the rabbit? > > Tim: It IS the rabbit! > > Arthur: You silly sot! > > Tim: What? > > Arthur: You got us all worked up! > > Tim: Well that's no ordinary rabbit! That's the most foul, cruel, and bad- > tempered rodent you've ever set eyes on! > > Robin: You kitch! I wet my armor, I was so scared! > > Tim: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer! > > Galahad: Get stuffed! > > Tim: He'll do you up a treatment... > > Arthur: Oh yeah? > > Boris: You manky Scotch git! > > Tim: I'm warning you... > > Boris: What's he do, nibble your bum? > > Tim: He's got huge, sharp... he can leap about... LOOK AT THE BONES! > > Arthur: Go on, Boris, chop his head off. > > Boris: Right - silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up! > > > [As he approaches the rabbit, it jumps up, lands on his neck, and rips his > throat out. Boris screams in agony and expires a few seconds later.] > > > Lancelot: Jesus Christ! > > Tim: I warned you! > > Robin: I've done it again... > > Tim: I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you know, didn't you? > Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well it's always the > same, I always say... I always tell them but do they listen to me? > No... > > Arthur: OH SHUT UP! CHAAAARGE! > > > [Party charges the rabbit and gets the shit beaten out of them] > > > Party: Run away! Run away! Run away! > > > [The survivors return to their hiding place.] > > > Arthur: Now how many did we lose? > > Lancelot: Gawaine, Hector... > > Arthur: ...and Boris. That's five. > > Galahad: Three, sir. > > Arthur: Three, three. So we'd better not risk another frontal assault, that > rabbit's dynamite. > > Robin: Will it... help to confuse it if we run away more? > > Arthur: Shut up and go and change your armor. > > Robin: Let us taunt it. It may become so cross that it will make a > mistake. > > Arthur: Like what? > > Robin: Well... (long embarassed pause) > > Arthur: Have we got bows? > > Lancelot: No... We have the Holy Hand Grenade! > > Arthur: Yes of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! It's one of the > sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him. > > Brother Maynard! Bring out the Holy Hand Grenade! > > > Monks: Die Jesu domine, > Dona eis requiem... > Die Jesu domine, > Dona eis requiem... > > > [Maynard and his assistant come forward with the monks, carrying the Holy Hand > Grenade of Antioch on a pillow.] > > > Arthur: How does it uhm... How does it work? > > Assistant: I know not, my liege. > > Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments! > > Maynard: Armaments, Chapter 2, vs. 9 to 21... > > Assistant: ...and Saint Attila raised the Hand Grenade up on high, saying... > > O Lord, bless this, thy Hand Grenade, that with it thou mayst blow > thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy. > > And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, > and sloths, and carp, and lima beans, and orangutans, and > breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and lice... > > Maynard: Skip a bit, brother... > > Assistant: And the Lord spake, saying: > > First shalt thou take out the holy pin. > > Then thou shalt count to three. No more. No less. > > Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of thy > counting shall be three. > > Four shalt thou not count, nor shalt thou count two, excepting > that thou then proceed to three. > > Five is right out! > > Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then > lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch at thy foe, who, > being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. > > Maynard: Amen. > > All monks: Amen. > > Arthur: Right. [pulling out pin] One... Two... Five! > > Galahad: Three, sir! > > Arthur: Three! [throws grenade] > > > [BLAM! The rabbit, being naughty in the Lord's sight, does indeed, snuff it. > Cautiously the party enters the cave.] > > > Arthur: There! Look! > > Lancelot: What does it say? > > Galahad: What language is that? Brother Maynard, you're our scholar... > > Maynard: It's Aramaic! > > Galahad: Of course! Joseph of Arimithea! > > Lancelot: Of course! What does it say! > > Maynard: It says "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimithea. > He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the > castle of... AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!" > > Arthur: What? > > Maynard: The castle of... AAARRRRGGGHHHH! > > Arthur: What is that? > > Maynard: He must've died while carving it. > > Lancelot: Oh, come on... > > Maynard: Well that's what it says. > > Arthur: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve "Argh", he'd just > say it! > > Maynard: Well that's what's carved in the rock! > > Galahad: Perhaps he was dictating? > > Maynard: Oh, shut up! > > Arthur: Well does it say anything else? > > Maynard: No! Just AAAARRRRGGGHHHH! > > Lancelot: AAAARRRRGGGHHHH? > > Bedevere: Do you suppose he meant the Camalllllllllll? > > Maynard: Where's that? > > Bedevere: In France, I think... > > Lancelot: Isn't there a Saint Aaaaagggh in Cornwall? > > Maynard: Oh, that's an Ives. > > Lancelot: Oh yes... > > Party: (mulling the words over) IIIiiives... > > Bedevere: OOOOooOOOO! > > Lancelot: No, no, AAARRGGGHHH, the back of the throat... > > Bedevere: No, no, no, Oooooo in surprise and alarm. > > Lancelot: Oh, you mean sort of an AAAH! > > Bedevere: Yes, that's right. AAAAAAAAAHHHH! > > Arthur: MY GOD! [Finally sees what Bedevere's alarmed about.] > > Maynard: It's the Legendary Black Beast of AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH! > > Party: Run away! Run away! Run away! > > > [A cute Pythonimation segment here with the Beast chasing them through the > castle...] > > > Narrator: As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and > his knights seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the animator suffered a > fatal heart attack! > > Cartoonist: AAWK! [Thud. Beast seizes up, loses all color, and vanishes.] > > Narrator: The cartoon peril was no more. The quest for the Holy Grail could > continue... > > > > > _______________________________________ > / \ > | SCENE 19: THE GORGE OF ETERNAL PERIL | > \_______________________________________/ > > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > Characters: > > Arthur and the rest of the party (Galahad, Robin, Lancelot, Bedevere, etc...) > Keeper: The Old Man from Scene 24 (13 in this version), aka the Bridgekeeper. > > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > > > [Sound Effects: Glooping sounds like those of a lava pit] > > > Galahad: There it is! The Bridge of Death! > > Robin: Oh, Great... > > Arthur: Look! There's the Old Man from Scene 24! > > Galahad: What's he doing here? > > Arthur: He is the Keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five > questions... > > Galahad: Three questions! > > Arthur: Three questions. He who answers the five questions... > > Galahad: Three questions! > > Arthur: ...three questions, may cross in safety. > > Robin: What if you get a question wrong? > > Arthur: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril! > > Robin: Oh, I won't go... > > Arthur: Who's gonna answer the questions? (pause) Sir Robin! > > Robin: Yes? > > Arthur: Brave Sir Robin, you go. > > Robin: Hey, I've got a great idea... Why doesn't Lancelot go? > > Lancelot: Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall > make a feint to the northeast, and then... > > Arthur: No, no... Hang on... Just answer the five questions... > > Galahad: Three questions! > > Arthur: ...three questions as best you can. And we shall watch and pray. > > Lancelot: I understand, my liege. > > Arthur: Good luck, brave Sir Lancelot! God be with you! > > > [Lancelot steps out onto the bridge...] > > > Keeper: STOP! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these > questions three, 'ere the other side he see... > > Lancelot: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper! I am not afraid! > > Keeper: WHAT... is your name? > > Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot. > > Keeper: WHAT... is your quest? > > Lancelot: I seek the Holy Grail! > > Keeper: WHAT... is your favorite color? > > Lancelot: Blue! > > Keeper: (cheerfully) Fine... Off ya go... > > Lancelot: Oh, thank you... Thank you very much... > > > [Sir Lancelot crosses the bridge.] > > > Robin: THAT'S EASY! [Makes for the bridge.] > > Keeper: STOP! Who approaches the Bridge of Death must answer me these > questions three, 'ere the other side he see... > > Robin: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper, I'm not afraid... > > Keeper: WHAT... is your name? > > Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot. > > Keeper: WHAT... is your quest? > > Robin: To seek the Holy Grail. > > Keeper: WHAT... is the capital of Assyria? > > Robin: I don't know that! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....... > > > [Sir Robin flies straight up off the bridge about 50 feet before plummetting > down into the Gorge of Eternal Peril. The scream just fades out since it's a > bottomless gorge.] > > > Keeper: STOP! WHAT... is your name? > > Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot. > > Keeper: WHAT... is your quest? > > Galahad: I seek the Grail. > > Keeper: WHAT... is your favourite color? > > Galahad: Blue... No, yellow! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.......... > > > [Arthur approaches the Bridge] > > > Keeper: STOP! WHAT... is your name? > > Arthur: It is Arthur, King of the Britons. > > Keeper: WHAT... is your quest? > > Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail. > > Keeper: WHAT... is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? > > Arthur: What do you mean, an African or European swallow? > > Keeper: Huh? I don't know that! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.......... > > Bedevere: How do you know so much about swallows? > > Arthur: Well you have to know these things when you're a king, you know... > > > [They cross the bridge in safety...] > > > > > _________________________ > / \ > | SCENE 20: INTERMISSION | > \_________________________/ > > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > Characters: > > One Organ Player. > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > > > [Tune starts. If you saw the movie, you'll know it. Hum along and enjoy...] > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > [Tune ends. Stop humming now.] > > > > > ____________________________ > / \ > | SCENE 21: THE CASTLE ARGH | > \____________________________/ > > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > Characters: > > Arthur: King of the Britons and Victim of French Taunts. > Bedevere: His last Knight, as they're looking for Lancelot. > Guard: The French Guard from Scene 7 ("I Fart in your General Direction!") > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > > > [Arthur and Bedevere are now on the other side of the Bridge of Death, looking > for Lancelot.] > > > Arthur: Lancelot? Lancelot! Lancelot! > > Bedevere: Lancelot! Lancelot! > > Arthur: Lancelot! > > > [Brief switch to show Lancelot getting busted by the cops for the murder of > Frank, the narrator of the historical documentary, killed in Scene 10.] > > > Bedevere: Lancelot! > > Arthur: Lancelot! Lancelot! > > > [Angelic music plays, revealing a vision of the Grail. Arthur and Bedevere > find a dragon-headed boat which takes them across the misty waters of a small > lake, landing on a small island on which stands a castle...] > > > Arthur: The Castle Argh! Our quest is at an end! > > [Standing in awe...] > > God be praised! > > [Kneeling in prayer...] > > Almighty God, we thank thee that thou hast... > > > [SPROING! A sheep comes sailing over the castle wall...] > > > Arthur: Jesus Christ! > > Guard: 'Allo, daffy English k-nnnighuts and monsieur Arthur-king who has the > brain of a duck, you know... SO! We French fellows outclever you a > second time! > > Arthur: (outraged) HOW DARE YOU profane this place with your presence! I > command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors > of this sacred castle, to which God Himself has guided us! > > Guard: As you English say, one more time, I unplug my nose in your direction, > sons-of-a-window-dresser! > > So you think you could outwit us French folk with your silly knees- > bent, running about advancing behaviour! > > I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheezy load of second- > hand electric donkey-bottom diapers! > > Arthur: [pounding on the door] IN THE NAME OF THE LORD, WE DEMAND ENTRANCE TO > THIS SACRED CASTLE! > > Guard: No chance, English bed-wetting types! I burst my pimples at you and > call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers > of other peoples' bottoms! > > Arthur: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force! > > > [The French dump a pile of shit on him] > > > Arthur: IN THE NAME OF GOD AND THE GLORY OF OUR... > > > [The French dump more shit on him] > > > Arthur: RIGHT! THAT SETTLES IT! > > Guard: Yes! This time your mouths'll be silent, ya won't be approachin' > anymore... while we fire ours on the tops of your heads and make > castanets out of your testicles already! > > Arthur: Walk away. Just ignore them. > > Guard: No, remain there, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And if ya think ya > got a nasty taunting this time, we've done nothing yet, ya daffy > English conniggits! > > > [Dejected, Arthur and Bedevere walk through the waters back, listening to the > French taunting.] > > > > > ____________________ > / \ > | SCENE 22: THE END | > \____________________/ > > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > Characters: > > Arthur: Soon to be Ex-King of the Britons. > Bedevere: His one remaining knight. > Army: His army of footsoldiers. > Wife: The wife of Frank, the historian killed in Scene 8. > Officers: Various policemen, making arrests of Knights... > > -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- -=+=- > > > > Arthur: We shall attack at once! > > Bedevere: Yes, my liege! > > Arthur: Stand by for attack! > > > [Marching music plays as Arthur summons his army from around the hills. > There's LOTS of 'em, all ready and poised for battle...] > > > Arthur: FRENCH PERSONS! Today the blood of many a valiant Knight shall be > avenged. We shall not stop our fight 'till each one of you lies > dead, and the Holy Grail returns to those whom God has chosen! > > IN THE NAME OF GOD, CHAAAARRRRGGGEEE!!!! > > > [The army sweeps across the countryside, towards the Castle Argh, where they > are abruptly stopped by a swarm of police cars and officers who start busting > them all...] > > > Wife: ...it's those ones, I'm sure! > > Officers: ...Get back right away... Listen, call it off... > > ...Come on, come on... > > This one... Yes, this one... [indicating Arthur] > > Put him in the van... [indicating Bedevere] > > ...Put that away, that's an offensive weapon, that is! > > ...Alright, sonny, that's enough, just pack that in... > > > > > [Hand covers lens of camera. Thud.] > > > > > _________ > / \ > | THE END | > \_________/ > > > > -- > Stewart, Sirtis and el Fadil: Bri-i-i-its I-i-i-in Space! > -- > Adrian! |-=O=-| >