--INT: LIVING ROOM

[He tiptoes into the living room where he stretches out on the sofa contentedly.]

--INT: KITCHEN

[A "Your Country Needs You" poster is hanging above the sink. The naval officer from the picture is replaced by a black silhouette; the real naval officer is seated at the kitchen table, stonily pointing the same way he would in the picture.]

--INT: TABLE

[Three rats are playing poker.]

RAT #1: Heh! Well I'll see you Jimmy. 

RAT #2: Well I got the seven of spades! 

RAT #3: You haven't.

RAT #2: I'm a mouse!

[All three rats laugh.]

[A stick of butter and a carrot are skating while romantic music plays. Somewhere, the record stops playing as a needle scratching it can be heard. The butter and carrot sigh as they touch "heads".]

--EXT. HOUSE

[The sun is coming up.]

--EXT. NEIL'S BEDROOM WINDOW

[Neil is gazing outside his window. A cock crows.]

--INT. KITCHEN

[At hearing the cock, the rats scurry away.]

--INT. LIVING ROOM

[The old man gets off the sofa and tiptoes back into the closet.]

--INT: KITCHEN / SINK

[The carrot jumps off of the plate and into the sink.]

--EXT. NEIL'S BEDROOM WINDOW

[As Neil watches, the sun breaks itself into two pieces.]

NEIL: Morning has broken. 

--INT: KITCHEN

[MIKE and VYVYAN are seated at the table. NEIL stands nearby. MIKE is taking rice krispies out of a cereal box and putting them in his bowl one by one, while VYVYAN is writing something on the back of a corn flakes box.]

MIKE: She loves me... she loves me lots. She loves me... she loves me lots. 

VYVYAN: Well... 

MIKE: She loves me... 

VYVYAN: I've finished the new car competition. I'm gonna win a Ford Tippex any minute. 

[RICK enters, stuffing his shirt into his pants. He sits down.]

VYVYAN: It's quite easy really. All you gotta do is match up six pictures of famous noses with six pictures of famous bogies. 

[The only reaction to this is Rick examining his own eye jam.]

VYVYAN: Thought that'd shock you. Well, it's not true, because then, then you gotta say in ten words "what cornflakes mean to you". So I put: "Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes... cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes." 

RICK: Pathetic. You'll never win, Vyvyan. 

VYVYAN: Why not? 

RICK: It's only nine words. 

VYVYAN: Oh yeah. "Cornflakes." 

RICK: Anyway, you'll still never win 'cause nothing interesting ever happens to us. 

VYVYAN: Stop being so boring, Rick. 

RICK: Oh, that's nice, isn't it? That's very nice! Coming from someone as boring as you! 

NEIL: Look! Can you two guys stop hassling each other, I'm getting really bored with it, all right? 

RICK: Ooh! Dear me! Poor old Neil's getting bored! The most boring person in the whole world's finally getting a taste of his own medicine! 

MIKE: Listen, I think we're overdoing the boredom motif in this conversation. It's time for us to extend our vocabulary. 

NEIL: All right, all I said, Mike, was I was getting really bored! 

VYVYAN: [SIMULTANEOUSLY with NEIL]Yeah, we heard what you said, and it was very boring! 

MIKE: Vyv, I thought we decided to-- 

VYVYAN: Yes, YOU decided, Michael! 

RICK: Guys! Guys! Look at us! Squabbling! Bickering! Like children! What's happening to us? We never used to be like this! 

VYVYAN: Yes we did. 

MIKE: You know, he's right, Rick, we've always been like this. 

RICK: Well--yes--I know, but-- But that's just exactly my point! Nothing ever changes, nothing ever happens to us! 

VYVYAN: Monopoly? 

RICK: Yes. 

--INT: LIVING ROOM

[The guys, minus NEIL, are playing Monopoly.]

RICK: Ha ha, Mike! Landed on the Old Kent Road, that's mine, rent, come on, pay up, now. 

MIKE: Yeah, all right, all right, I think the Mike Exchequer can handle a debt of four pounds. 

RICK: Hey, wouldn't it be a-mazing if all of this money was real? 

VYVYAN: That is the single most predictable and boring thing that anybody could ever say while playing Monopoly. 

RICK: Well, what about "Vyvyan"? I could say "Vyvyan", couldn't I? That'd be pretty boring. 

VYVYAN: "You have won second prize in a beauty contest..." 

RICK: Ha ha ha! 

VYVYAN: "...smash Rick over the head with the bank!" 

[VYVYAN literally follows the instructions on his card.]

RICK: It did not say that! Michael, Vyvyan is cheating! 

VYVYAN: Mike? 

MIKE: No, he's right, Rick, that's exactly what it says. 

RICK: In Biro, Mike, in Biro, over the top of the print! 

VYVYAN: But we had to change the rules because Monopoly's so boring! 

RICK: "Congratulations, it is your birthday! You may set fire to Rick's bed!" 

VYVYAN: Good one! 

RICK: "Get out of jail free: You may keep this card, sell it, or stick it up Rick's bottom"! Vyvyan, you've ruined the game! 

VYVYAN: I was BORED! 

MIKE: Yeah, well, that's nothing. Neil got so bored he's gone down to the garden to kill himself. And it's his go! 

--EXT: GARDEN

[NEIL is indeed digging a grave. He looks at his spade.]

NEIL: You're a spade. I always call him that. 

[He proceeds digging.]

NEIL: From Monopoly to the grave... the most interesting thing that ever happens to me is sneezing. I wish I was Magnus Magnusson. 

[MIKE appears at the window.]

MIKE: Hey, Neil. Sitting round a Monopoly board may be a great way of spending Christmas, but I don't want to wait that long.

NEIL: No, no, Mike, it's all right, uh, I'm just digging a grave. Uh, I don't think I'm gonna kill myself today, actually, but, uh... just in case, you know...

--INT. UNDERGROUND KINGDOM

[NEIL's digging dislodges dirt on the ceiling of this subterranean cavern, indicating that it's directly below his grave. A king and a queen sit morosely on thrones while entertainers try vainly to amuse them.]

KING: You know, living in a world where nothing boring ever happens can be a real pisser. 

MINION: Sire, the man in the time machine has just returned with the actual video of the birth of Christ. Would you care to- 

KING: Not now, minion! 

MINION: Also, next door, the Rolling Stones are making a new album, while two hippopotamus make love underneath the theatre. 

QUEEN: The king is bored with interesting things, minion... and so am I. 

KING: What I want is to meet someone who is totally and utterly mindnumbingly boring. But I suppose I never will. 

--INT: KITCHEN

NEIL: I suppose it's because I'm so mind-numbingly boring that I never get to meet any interesting people. 

[The other guys are seen lounging around.]

RICK: Oh, so you decided to come in, now, have you, Neil? Well, we've finished playing Monopoly now, and you lost. 

NEIL: Oh. I'm amazed I lost as long as I did. 

[A knocking at the door is heard.]

MIKE: There's someone at the door, Rick. 

RICK: There's someone at the door, Vyvyan. 

VYVYAN: There's someone at the door, Neil. 

NEIL: There's someone at the door, Mike. 

MIKE: I know! 

[A pause, then more knocking.]

MIKE: There's someone at the door, Rick! 

RICK: There's someone at the door, Vyvyan! 

VYVYAN: There's someone at the door, Mike! 

NEIL: There's someone at the door, Neil! 

[Neil does a double-take as he realizes what he's said.]

MIKE: Well, don't look at me, I'm in Paris. 

VYVYAN: You haven't left the house all day! 

MIKE: Vyvyan, you ever heard of cloning? 

VYVYAN: No! 

MIKE: Oh, that's good, would you swear to that? 

VYVYAN: Certainly. If that's what you want. 

[VYVYAN hops off the sofa and leans over the table at MIKE.]

VYVYAN: Big jobs!

[He sits on the chair where RICK's feet happen to be resting.]

RICK: Owwww!

[More knocking at the door.]

NEIL: Hey! Hey guys! Great idea, listen. Listen. Why don't we, right, decide who's gonna answer the door, right, and then, and then that person could, like, go and answer it, right, and then, and then find out who it is and who they want to see, right, and then, like, come back in here and tell whoever it is...

[RICK is literally bored to tears by NEIL, as he begins crying. VYVYAN is yawning.]

NEIL: ...that there's somebody who wants to see them, yeah? 

MIKE: Neil, do me a favor.

NEIL: What?

MIKE: Die.

NEIL: So I suppose I'll just have to go and answer it myself, as usual.

[The inner door is flung open, and another door, ripped from its hinges, is tossed inside from off-camera. BILLY BALOWSKI enters, carrying a bicycle. He flings the bike onto the sofa. NEIL, as if not noticing BILLY, walks past him to the doorway.]

BILLY: Arright? Somebody call a taxi?

MIKE: Billy Balowski. Yeah, so who needs pleasure? Hello, Billy!

[BILLY waves at MIKE.]

MIKE: How are the trees?

BILLY: 'Oo called a taxi??

MIKE: What do you want, Billy? You got a message from Mr. Balowski?

BILLY: I'm Mr. Balowski!

MIKE: No no no, your brother Jerzy, you got a message from him?

BILLY: Got a piece of paper... 'ooever called a taxi, um, they can have the message.

RICK: All right, all right. I called the taxi. 

BILLY: Okay-dokey, Skip! Where'd you want to go?

RICK: I don't want to go anywhere!

BILLY: Well what the bloody hell'd you call a taxi for then?? I had to come all the way from Brazil for this, you know! They'll stop it out me wages. You know how much a taxi driver earns? I can't even afford to buy new shoe laces!

RICK: Well it's a good job you're not a taxi driver, then, isn't it!

BILLY: It's a good job I'm wearing Wellingtons!

VYVYAN: Look! Just give us the note!

BILLY: I'm thirsty.

MIKE: It's in the cupboard.

[BILLY walks over to the cupboard, teasing VYVYAN by sweeping the note past his face. BILLY opens the cupboard and brings out a goldfish bowl, with one fish in it. He begins drinking the water.]

MIKE: Oh no, not the goldfish.

--INT: BILLY'S STOMACH

[A goldfish and a potato.]

FISH: Ahem. "Don't worry, goldfish everywhere. I am in fact a stunt goldfish. In fact, by the time this program comes out, I shall be doing the new James Bond film. So, there's no need to write in."

POTATO: Sure! They never read the letters anyway.

--INT: KITCHEN

[BILLY finishes swallowing all the water in the bowl, pats his chest, and belches. He then spies a cactus.]

BILLY: Ohh, hello pussy cat! It's yer Uncle Billy! 'Ere! What you doin' in a bucket? Come on, everybody, let's play Daleks! 

[He takes the cactus out of its bowl and sticks it on his chest so that it juts straight out.]

BILLY: Exterminate, exterminate, exterminate, exterminate! 'Ere, 'ere, 'ere, 'ere, look, what am I now, what am I now? Come on, come on, come on, quick quick quick quick quick, what am I now?

MIKE: A pain in the ass.

BILLY: No, I'm a hairbrush, dolt! Okay, let's try another one, let's try another one, here we go.

[BILLY puts the cactus down nearby and raises his arms in a steeple formation.]

BILLY: What am I now, what am I now, come on?

RICK: Clinically insane.

BILLY: No, "Little House on the Prairie". 

MIKE: Billy.

BILLY: Sir Billy.

MIKE: Ah-ah-ah-ah -- Sir Billy...

VYVYAN: Look! Why don't you just go away!

BILLY: 'Cause I've got a message for ya!

VYVYAN: Then give it to us!

BILLY: Oh, doesn't he get excited!

VYVYAN: Aauggggggh!

BILLY: Right. Here we are. This is the message. I shall read it to you. Are we ready, clocks? Right. Here we--'ang on. There's no words on this. Oh, I think they must have fallen off somewheres, I--oh no, it's all right, they're on the other side, that's okay, right. 

[RICK has been creeping up behind BILLY. He snatches the message away.]

RICK: Finders keepers, losers weepers!

MIKE: Rick.

[RICK hands the paper to MIKE.]

BILLY: I've not always been mad, you know, but um... I was actually driven mad by the indifference of architects and council planners. You see, I live in a tower block, and um, the thing about those is, there's terrible noise problems, 'cause there's no noise insulation at all, you know, and eight floors below you, there's always some bastard who's got a Yamaha home organ, you know. You're just about to go to sleep and you hear this "DOOT DOOT! TCH-TCH, DOOT DOOT! TCH-TCH, ROLL-OUT-THE-BARRELS! DOOT-DOOT, TCH-TCH, DOOT DOOT, TCH-TCH" And like, the people who live upstairs from me, I can't understand what they're doing, you know, I listen. And all I can hear is this weird noise that goes, "Whoom whoom! Blam blam! Whoom whoom! Blam blam!" It sounds, right, it sounds like two elephants on a motorbike riding round and round, while a seal bangs a kipper on the table! I went upstairs to complain, and the door was answered by this elephant in a crash helmet! Standing behind him's this seal going, "What is it now, Ralph?" 

[BILLY's voice begins rambling as he makes his way to the door.]

BILLY: I dunno, it's just something cracked inside, and I started thinking I was a piece of sponge. I just started to get very depressed, I just can't hold it down...

[BILLY exits.]

VYVYAN: What does the note say, Mike?

MIKE: "Dear boys. Don't let Billy near the goldfish bowl. Your friend and landlord, Jerzy Balowski.

[MIKE wads up the note. NEIL re-enters.]

NEIL: There's no one there!

RICK: God, how boring.

[RICK yawns. The camera zooms in on a shot of his gaping mouth, and, in changing scenes, zooms out from the mouth of a man screaming in agony. "Fire" by the Crazy World of Arthur Brown is playing.]

--INT. HELL TORTURE CHAMBER

[An older man in a suit is tied up to a cross while being tortured by two demons, a short one (Ftumch) and a tall one (Orgo). The man is listening to headphones. Ftumch removes the headphones.]

FTUMCH: Would Mr. Sordid like some cake?

MAN: Oh yes, please.

FTUMCH: There we are, then. 

MAN: Oh!

FTUMCH: That looks like, doesn't it?

MAN: Yes, thank you. 

FTUMCH: Anything wrong?

MAN: Well, I can't reach it.

FTUMCH:  It can't reach it. No problem. 

[FTUMCH gestures, and ORGO pulls a lever. The cake is flung into the MAN's face. The man starts bawling.]

FTUMCH: Oh, look, it spilt some.

ORGO: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

FTUMCH: Who's a naughty boy, then? We'll have to get that cleaned up, won't we?

MAN: Yeah!

FTUMCH: Here, Orgo?

ORGO: Yes, Footma?

FTUMCH: Ftumch! 

MAN: Ftumch!

FTUMCH: Yeah, pass me that can of lager, would you?

[ORGO hands him the can, which FTUMCH shakes up.]

FTUMCH: We'll soon have it looking like a new bin.

[He opens the can and sprays lager all over the man's face.]

FTUMCH: Brillo pad?

MAN: B--oh, no! No, please! Oh, no! Ohhhhh, oohhh, ohhhh...! 

[The two demons work his face over with Brillo pads.]

FTUMCH: Let's give it some Barry Manilow.

[ORGO turns another lever and music starts playing. The MAN reacts as if he's being tortured.]

FTUMCH: It really gets off on Barry!

ORGO: Yeah!

FTUMCH: Orgo? Any news of your promotion?

ORGO: Oh... yeah! Uh, I've only another ten souls to collect, and I'm eligible for a nice cushy job in Admin. Mind you, it's taken me five millenia to get this far, cause no one ever summons you up to Earth with a name like Orgo. I mean, people don't say "Orgo" by accident.

[The MAN starts yelling in agony.]

ORGO: Oh, is it not loud enough for you?

[ORGO turns the music up.]

FTUMCH: Well at least you're in wiv a chance, I mean, someone might say, "Shall we go to the theatre, OR GO to cinema?" Or they might say, "Shall we go shopping, OR GO--" brbrbrbrbrbrb! But no one ever says my name. No one ever says Ftumch. Why couldn't I be called William?

ORGO: I don't know.

FTUMCH: Here. Look at this.

[FTUMCH boxes the MAN's nose, causing blood to spill.]

MAN: Baauuugggggghhh!

FTUMCH: What's that?

ORGO: I don't know!

FTUMCH: "Bloody hell"!

[Both demons laugh.]

RICK: Bloody hell.

[The shot expands to show MIKE, NEIL and VYVYAN sitting on the sofa watching TV, while RICK stands nearby.]

RICK: No room for me on the sofa as usual. I'll have to sit on the rickety chair. Oh! Er, goody goody gumdrops! Just in time to watch "Oh, Crikey" on ITV!

[RICK reaches over and changes the channel.]

NEIL: Oh, Rick! We were watching "Bastard Squad"! 

RICK: Oh, were you? Oh, well, get up out of the sofa, and go and turn it over if you want, I don't mind.

NEIL: Oh, um... no, I've hurt my back.

RICK: Oh. What a shame.

--INT: LIVING ROOM SET OF "OH CRIKEY" on ITV

[A man and a woman are fooling around on their sofa. The doorbell rings.]

WOMAN: Oh, no! That must be the vicar! Go answer the door, darling!

MAN: Why can't you?

WOMAN: I have my apron on!

[MAN and WOMAN fling their heads back in exaggerated television laughter.]

WOMAN: I know--I'll go to the kitchen and take it off while you answer the door!

MAN: Right!

[WOMAN exits the set. The MAN goes to open the door. When he opens it, a dog walks in.]

MAN: Uh--no!

[As he moves to retrieve the dog, his pants fall down.]

MAN: Oh dear, my trousers have fallen down and the dog's in the sitting room! Lucky the vicar didn't see.

[He tries to chase the dog and pull his pants up at the same time.]

MAN: No, no, come here, no, hold still...!

[The MAN squats down on the floor, pants still down, and tries to restrain the dog. The VICAR walks in and sees this scene at the same time the WOMAN re-enters.]

VICAR: Oh, Crikey!

WOMAN: Oh, Crikey!

MAN: I can explain! Oh, Crikey!

--INT: LIVING ROOM

[VYVYAN finally gets up to change the channel. RICK, seeing his chance, clambers past VYVYAN and stands on the sofa where VYVYAN was sitting.]

RICK: Ha ha, fooled you! Thought you'd been really clever, didn't you, but you fell right into my trap! Now you can sit on the rickety chair!

VYVYAN: Oh yeah?

RICK: Oh yeah!

[VYVYAN simply pushes RICK off the sofa and reclaims his seat.]

RICK: Well, I think I'll just sit here on the floor, if that's all right with you lot, then. It's all right, Mike, I'm not in your way or anything, am I?

VYVYAN: This is my favorite program. It'd just be typical if it was interrupted by a newsflash, about a siege or something like that.

[The TV's music stops and is replaced by an announcer.]

TV ANNOUNCER: We interrupt tonight's scheduled program, "The Bastard Squad", to bring you up-to-the-minute coverage of a siege which is now underway in North London. We join BBC's reporter Dan Prick, on the spot. Dan.

[A reporter with a microphone appears on the TV screen, standing across the street in front of the Young Ones' house. VYVYAN's car can be seen out front.]

DAN: A man, believed to be a lunatic foreign terrorist, one of those greaseball raving reds who seem to crop up everywhere since we stopped running the world, is now taking refuge in an insanitary slum dwelling in North London, the sort of place where you normally get squatters anyway. A police and army siege is now underway.

RICK: Oh, Christ. Boring! Look, now we get a shot of a street for the next four hours. Nothing ever happens in these things! Well, if it does happen, we don't get to see it.

DAN: Yes, it looks as though something is happening now! The police and the army are moving in!

[On the screen, a policeman or army officer can be seen tossing an object into the house, which explodes.]

RICK: Huh! Right on! Rule Brittania!

[A man in stereotypical "Arab terrorist" garb with a gun runs into the room from the front door. None of the four seem to notice.]

RICK: Tiny figure in the middle distance jumps over a gate, huh! Rule Brittania!

[The terrorist shoots his gun loudly at something {out a window?}.]

RICK: They're dubbing that sound on, that's never real! 

[A grenade is tossed in and lands in the pot on the stove with a splash. The army moves in carting a missile on a launching pad.]

NEIL: Doesn't that look like your car, Vyv?

VYVYAN: Nah. Mine's a yellow Ford Anglia with flames up the side.

NEIL: But that's a yellow Ford Anglia with flames up the side.

VYVYAN: Yeah, but it's not mine, is it?

[The army goons physically hold the terrorist in front of the missile launcher and shoot him with it at point blank range, causing most of body to fly away. The soldiers are still left holding his arms.]

VYVYAN: Cor! That was a loud one.

[The soldiers hastily exit.]

RICK: Look--is anybody watching this?

DAN: : Well, that looks like it. We're sorry not to bring you "The Bastard Squad", but at least we got the mad coon with the gun, eh?

[RICK gets up and turns the TV off. He looks desparingly back at the rickety chair, indicates it with a desperate, self-pitying gesture, and sits back down.]

NEIL: Hey! Guys! Why don't we... eat? That'd be quite interesting, wouldn't it? Yes! Yes!

[He gets up and runs to the kitchen.]

NEIL: Yes, eat! Eat! I wonder how many lentils I've ever eaten in my life.

VYVYAN: Four.

NEIL: No, it must be more than that, Vyv. Lentils are really good, you know? No matter how many times you have them, they never get boring.

[The grenade in the pot finally goes off and causes the stove to explode. The three on the sofa turn and stare at NEIL in surprise.]

RICK: Neil, that's our tea! You've just blown up our tea! 

NEIL: We--well, I didn't do it on purpose, Rick!

RICK: And we paid for that--fifteen pence, come on, pay up now, fifteen pence.

[All three stick out their hands and nod in agreement.]

NEIL: Yeah, but--but I haven't collected this week's money yet!

RICK: Phu--well that's hardly the point, is it?

NEIL: But it was an accident, Rick, I mean, I just looked at it and it blew up, Rick! Well there's still some on the wall, maybe we could save some of it...

[He vainly tries to scrape lentils off the wall.]

NEIL: ...and get some portions together for supper, then. 

[He stacks some plates, crushing the stick of butter that was animated earlier.]

MIKE: Let's do something, we're bored stupid.

VYVYAN: Ha ha, Rick didn't have far to go, did he?

RICK: I just knew you were gonna say that.

VYVYAN: That's a complete lie, you poof.

RICK: I knew you were gonna say that too!

[VYVYAN grabs a nearby empty bottle and smashes it on RICK's head, causing RICK to slump to the floor.]

VYVYAN: You didn't know I was gonna do that, did you?

RICK: All right, Vyvyan, no, I didn't know that, no.

MIKE: We're bored stupid and now we got nothin' to eat. I think the time has come for us to go down to the pub.

--INT: NEXT TO SINK

BUTTER: Darling carrot... could you ever love a cripple? 

CARROT: No... I don't think so.

[MUSIC INTERLUDE: Madness perform "House of Fun"]